thebadreindeerreview

Santa Clause: “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, on Blitzen!”

Donner: “This job is so not worth an extra 30K a year.”

Prancer: “Well, considering we only work one night a year, I’d say we should be counting our blessings instead of bemoaning our fates.”

Donner: “Oh, yeah? Well, considering that one night lasts 249 million hours or the equivalent of 28,425 mortal years, I’d say we have every right to bemoan our fates!”

Prancer: “It’s funny you should bring up mortal years, Donner, seeing as one of the biggest perks of our job is that we’re immortal.”

Donner: “Yeah, and immortality’d be great if we weren’t stuck in purgatory for the better part of it.”

Prancer: “Oh, quit being so overdramatic!”

Donner: “Well, it’s true!”

Prancer: “It is not! We get 364 vacation days a year, and 365 during leap years!”

Donner: “Vacation?! Vacation where?! In case you hadn’t noticed, the world’s not exactly flying reindeer friendly! It’s not like we can just go take in a Cubs game at Wrigley or hop down to Miami and dance the night away with Vida Guerra!”

Vixen: “Donner, you don’t even know how to dance.”

Donner: “So, what? Neither does Dancer. Can you say ironic?”

Dancer: “My daddy give me that name and kissed me goodbye! He knew I’d have to get tough or die!”

Vixen: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, A Boy Named Sue, we’ve heard it a million times—literally. All I’m saying is, Donner, dancing is one of the best ways to excite a female’s libido. All females love to dance.”

Cupid: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not all females love to dance.”

Vixen: “Oh, yeah? Who’s bedded more does, hmm? Come on.”

Cupid: “True as that may be, Vixen, it doesn’t change the fact that there are, I’m sure, plenty of females out there who don’t love to dance.”

Vixen: “How do you know? When we delivered toys last year, did you have Santa leave a little survey in every home, after he finished the milk and cookies that he never shares with us!”

Cupid: “I don’t care about the milk and cookies! I’m lactose intolerant anyway! What I do care about is sexism! I was raised by a single mother! I know what it’s like out there for females, especially when they have to deal with bucks like you!”

Vixen: “Tell me, man, how many does you bag this year?”

Cupid: “That’s irrelevant to our conversation.”

Vixen: “463. That’s my number, man, and I think it’s very relevant. At least, that’s what Clarice said.”

Donner: “Hey, that’s my daughter-in-law you’re talking about!”

Vixen: “Well, when her and Rudolph were having problems earlier this year, we did the horizontal mamba, except we were standing, and were not doing the mamba, but instead having sex.”

Donner: “I’m serious, Vixen! That’s not funny!”

Blitzen: “Speaking of Rudolph, I can’t believe that punk no showed. Who calls in sick on a job where you only work one night a year?”

Vixen: “Hey, what can I say? The truth hurts.”

Dasher: “A Cuervo margarita drinking genius, that’s who. Can I get a what?”

Donner: “You know what else is gonna hurt? My hoof up your hindquarters!”

Comet: “What?”

Vixen: “Now, that is funny, cause that’s how Clarice likes me to do her. She’s real freaky naughty, but I didn’t know that’s how you rolled. I guess, it’s like father-in-law, like daughter-in-law, huh?”

Dasher: “Were you asking what or saying what?”

Donner: “Vixen, at the end of this night one shall stand and one shall fall.”

Comet: “Asking.”

Vixen: “What a coincidence, cause at the end of my night with Clarice, she couldn’t stand at all, if you know what I mean.”

Dasher: “Say what.”

Donner: “Will you two shut up?!”

Dasher: “What?”

Donner: “Say what! Say what one more time!”

Dasher does not say anything, nor does anyone else, except for Vixen, who can’t help but snicker.

Donner: “Yeah, you just keep on laughing, Romeo, just keep on laughing.”